March 21, 2010
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How to Build Chemistry (with anyone)
Some people say that chemistry between two people is something that happens, and it can’t be developed, but that’s not true. There are in fact techniques that can be used to develop chemistry between two people.
A simple technique that a lot of people don’t do is look in her/his eyes. Don’t just stare, the eyes are the window to the soul. Look deep to see what is in there, pain? fear? hate? love? A mix of different things? This is a scary technique because when you look in someone else’s eyes, they can look in yours, they can see in your soul. What are you hiding? Also, if you are a girl at a club and you look in people’s eyes, soon you will have guys surrounding you like flies, unless you smell bad.
‘Chemistry’ means different things to different people. If you are the type of person who thinks ‘chemistry’ is exciting/happy/wild/passionate feelings, then this technique will work for you: alternate being nice and mean to a person randomly. This technique is roughly known as the ‘mystery method’ and it can drive a girl wild, especially if the girl has low self-esteem. Personally I hate this technique, so please don’t use it.
I prefer being honest, so I like the technique called ‘the sincere compliment.’ This is basically if you like something about a person, you tell them, without asking anything in return. ‘I think you are beautiful.’ And that’s it, she doesn’t have to respond, you can change the subject. The hard part is you have to do it at a time when the person will believe you, because if you say it at the wrong time or in the wrong way, she/he will not believe you. It’s great because it’s not a trick, it is something absolutely true. Don’t lie with it.
‘Chemistry’ means ‘exciting feelings’ for some people, but for me it means both people understanding what the other is thinking and feeling. This kind of chemistry happens automatically for some people when they are both attracted to each other. It is easy because they are both thinking the same thing, “wow, you are so brilliant, beautiful and attractive.” They are both feeling the same thing, happiness and attraction. It’s really quite shallow. This kind of chemistry never lasts, though; hormones only stay around so long before you are exhausted, which is why any lasting relationship needs to be based on something more than attraction.
If you want to find that kind of true chemistry, you will have to do most of the work, because most of the rest of the world believes it can’t be built. So it is up to you. The first thing you will have to do is get good at understanding what other people are feeling. Looking in the eyes can help with that. Once you can do that, then it’s a lot easier to understand what they are thinking. Then you need to get your partner to realize he can understand what you are feeling, too. Easy way to do this is with questions, like, “do you understand what I am feeling?” Don’t ask this kind of question during an argument, arguments are mostly useless, I think.
Finally, teach him/her to do stuff you think is fun. He/she will appreciate it. If you think blowing kisses to each other is fun, first do it to him, in a way that he will think is fun, and after a few times he will start doing it back to you. If she doesn’t like talking on the phone, make sure when you talk on the phone the conversations are really enjoyable for her, and then pretty soon she will understand what is good about talking on the phone and start doing it herself. If she doesn’t, then she is really boring.
The end.
Comments (13)
hmmmm interesting. i’ll try this!
Good stuff. I too have thought about this: building chemistry can be done more easily than people think. Sure, con folk will misuse it, but overall us regular folk should try to learn how to bond with each other better and be more open.
@GreekPhysique -
yeah, and if average people start to use it, then it will be harder for them to be conned. Education is the key to all life’s problems.
@phantomFive -
True; I would rather see too many people know how to intentionally build chemistry than too few. I fear knowledge bound up in hands of few. I tried putting my energies towards building community faster with people last year, and I was surprised that it was not as hard as I was afraid it would be. I might add as well that I find if I am open, it is a lot easier for other people to be open with me.
I think chemistry goes deeper then the things you listed, and has more variables, if you are referring to romantic chemistry – like phermones and things like that. Things that just are, and cannot be manipulated. Take voice. Having chemistry with a beloved, to me, includes their voice, their demeanor, their way of being in the world.
Even if you don’t just mean romantic chemistry, I know there are some people who have this negative dark energy and I don’t want anything to do with them or their energy as long as they are that way, and I’m not going to try to fix them either, that’s not my place.
as far as trying to get mutual understanding of thinking/feeling as you’ve defined it, (and when people have opposing values) I do think many of us can come closer then we do (or even try to do) but the thing is, that’s not what I think of as “good chemistry” meaning someone you just naturally want to be around because your energy blends so well together.
Interesting things to think about in this blog, I will rec it.
I always want to look into my SO’s eyes. When I was there with her for 3 days, and when I’m not, on the webcam. I always tell her to look into the camera just so I can look into her eyes. It’s something truly powerful.
You are so interesting! *looks deeply into your eyes* : )
I agree with your post and feel another thing helps too. That is being comfortable with each other. It can be manufactured, by matching how fast or slow someone talks, or following thier movements, but it will be shallow since you are thinking about that instead of really listening. I love it when it just happens, a dropping of guards on both sides, especially with strangers you strike up a conversation with. It is almost as if you feel the loss of a lifetime of friendship with that person, for just a moment, when you say goodbye.
pheromones
I agree that chemistry can build between people, and you’re right about looking people in the eyes. An eye to eye conversation is a good way to start.
Oh, this was interesting and true.
I think chemistry is how well people can interact to each other emotionally and physically. It starts with simple gestures and enrapturing conversations. When it is felt then it becomes physical even if it is love-hate as your example points out.
@And_I_love -
Yeah, there are different things people mean when they say chemistry, I wasn’t really going for an exhaustive list here, just going for a few practical tips people can use. I am certain, though, that any type of chemistry can be built up and improved, and in many cases where one partner thinks it ‘just happens,’ it’s because the other partner is doing the work.
@storyslut -
ooh, that is actually pretty good, it made me feel good, but I had a little trouble believing you because of the timing. And don’t stare, just use your eyes to communicate.
Also, if you want to develop that kind of chemistry where both people just let their guard down, focus on letting your own guard down first, and then other people will feel comfortable dropping their guard when they are around you. That is a good one to develop.